I have not known myself to rush into significant life change. I do not jump head long into it. I weigh my options, verbally process and talk myself into it. The one thing I do know is that I hate being stuck. I will fight to be unstuck every time. Sometimes I think when God wants to move me forward, and I won’t go, he allows me to feel stuck just to light a fire under my bottom.
At the end of this past year I finally realized how stuck I felt after a year of balancing my career, my business, my spiritual life, my marriage and most of all, my mothering with too few hours in the day. I would get home from work exhausted, not enjoying my job, but trusting in the financial security it created. My girls began to be surprised when I was home. I realized I want to be missed, and not expected to be gone.
Around the same time at my super club we talked about what we would give up now for what we want later. It’s a hard concept sometimes. Do we stay at a job we don’t want to be at just for the job benefits? Do we trust God with what seems so huge when really it’s only pennies to him? I had to really evaluate what I was willing to give up to slow down and to learn to drastically eliminate hurry from my life. If anything, I wanted to eliminate hurry so I can be present with my girls.
So here I am, months later, transitioning from one workplace to another one. It has not been a quick process. On one hand, I’m excited and eager to move into a new role, a new company, and a new life routine with fewer hours away from my girls. On the other hand, I need to process where I’m coming from. I have spent over a decade doing everything I can to help change culture and promote change in sticky situations. Change takes time in any organization. Time is all I had, until I felt stuck.
Once we decide to change, I think we can look back on what was and the time we spent, giving what feels like our entire wellbeing, and wonder if it was worth it. Was it the right thing? Yes. I believe with confidence I can say yes. I say this with certainty because the energy I spent and the timespan I took in that place, in those projects and in those relationships, brought me to where I am now. I would not have been ready or equip for what is next. I also had to choose to get uncomfortable in order to move forward. I had to head in the direction of peace or it isn’t the right direction. It doesn’t mean what is behind me was wrong. It means it’s just not for me now.
This transition is occasionally overwhelming and scary. I have been loosing sleep and I have had moments of anxiety pop-up when I least expect them. I am still yelling more than I want to at my girls when I am tired. I want to blame everything at my old job. I am aware of all these emotions. They make me tired. Today, with Jesus time, worship and refocusing on where I’m headed, I can keep moving forward.
At the end of the day, I know this transition isn’t there to make me perfect in my mothering or that life will be less stressful. I’m still me. I will have new challenges of being home more and keeping my focus on the next right thing. I know I will wrestle with busyness. I’m wired to be productive so finding a balance will be ongoing. I will also encounter new opportunities for refinement at the new job. I am, however, eager to see how I grow in this new routine.
I will keep you posted!
Intervention: Let go of one thing on my to-do list every day and spend the time playing a game with my girls.