When Bravery Looks like Anxiety

Day 142-

In the past few weeks I have been more brave than I have been in a long time. My heart races, my palms get sweaty and my investment is palpable. I have spoken up, written my opinion and processed heavy, hearted issues which I have decided matter to me. This has produced a different kind of anxiety.

Growing up with little experience in verbalizing an opinion, I had to learn that I had a voice my freshman year of college. One of my professors asked for opinion paper and I wrote essays with one sentence of opinion. She would circle the sentence and hand it back. “Write an opinion paper around this sentence” she would say. It took guts to rewrite it for a better grade. To be honest, I wanted a better grade, but over the first year I learned I did have an opinion.

A few years ago Brene Brown, one of my mentors as I work through shame and wholehearted living, taught me that the courageous thing thing to do is often the opposite of what I would normally do. I generally go quiet and hide. I would rather just smolder in my own opinion than risk hurting someone else’s feelings. If being courageous is doing the opposite, I am compelled to speak up in the moments where staying silent does more emotional harm than good for my mind, heart and soul.

Bravery, or the feelings around an action, I believe can look like anxiety. My physical reaction can often parallel to my anxiety response. Here is an example, my daughter was nervous to make a decision yesterday. She seemed almost panicked by it. I asked her what she was feeling and she said “I am feeling how I feel right before I would get into the water at my swim meets”. I loved how my 7-years-old could describe what she was feelings. She was making a decision which was for her about being brave and she was weighing the odds.

I read an article this week about children and anxiety. It talked about how parents hope to not impart anxiety or fear into our children’s lives. It dialoged about watching the patterns we parents have so children might carry fewer of those same patterns. When I was a child I heard about “stress” not anxiety, and it was deemed to not play a part in my life since I exposed to fewer of the normal stressors my peers were exposed to. Looking back, I was anxious. I can’t identify that there were patterns developed from my parents. It was just who I was. I do agree with not wanting to pass patterns of anxiety to my children, thus this year’s project to overcome more of my own.

Some anxiety, in the form of bravery, is good. When we decide that speaking up is more doable than staying silent, when we make a decision because not making one is harder to live with, and when we move past disappointment because being disappointed was better than staying where we were, we show up and it’s a win. I believe when we really care about something we can have heightened clinical elements to our physical response. We put up with the feelings and the “stress” because being brave is good and it is right for that time and that place.

Keep being brave, my friends!

-ST

Conversation about Race: a Different Kind of Anxiety

Day 133-

Last year in my work environment I heard that I was often called “the white girl” behind my back. The reactions, “Really”, “Ouch,” and “Seriously?” all went through my mind. It also made me think.  I grew up in a predominately white world. The northwest is not know to have many African Americans living in it. Growing up I had no ideas how dominate our whiteness was. I had the perception all African Americans play sports because students from all over the United States came to play for University of Oregon. There was on black student at the high school I attended, but I’m not sure he played sports. 

Racism was a word I heard about in history books. I assumed the Sunday school song:  “Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world. Red and yellow, black and white, they are all precious in his sight. Jesus loves the little children of the world,” meant Jesus loves the children of other countries like he loves me. I didn’t know there were people of color living in my country. I grew up in white privilege without even knowing it. 

As a freshman in college I made a terrible blunder. My university was seemingly an all white school with a few Hawaiians mixed in. We had one African American professor who had just arrived to teach. My white, female professor had him come to lecture as a guest. I made a statement which was far from the truth. My professor corrected me. My eyes were opened to the reality I had learned very little about race in my nineteen years and I was foolish in light of it. I was too embarrassed to ask more questions. There was so much I had to learn, yet hiding seemed like a better alternative. I wondered how much I had to learn, but finding out seemed worse than staying in the dark.

Bob Goff, author of Everybody, Always, made sense to me when he talked about loving people who are different than us. He pointed out “we should love the people we don’t understand”. I think I am fearful of what I don’t understand. I have a harder time loving correctly because I am naive. I’ve said the wrong things before. I don’t know what to say most of the time so I tend to shy away from people I don’t understand. I think my actions can turn into racism, not because my heart is in the wrong place, but because I avoid what I don’t understand. It’s easier to make judgements about someone when I stay away from knowing them.

In the past year I worked as an outpatient nurse. For the first time I worked in an environment where the nurses were white and the support staff was not. I had amazing relationships with a few of my coworkers and some rough ones with others. For some relationships, our skin color didn’t matter. In one relationship, it obviously did as I was known as “the white girl”. Still naive to racial tensions and issues, I started asking questions.

I sat across from one of my coworkers a few months ago over lunch and started asking some questions. I was humbled to be reminded how everyone is different. Each person comes from different backgrounds and different values. Just because someone has dark skin doesn’t make them the same as someone else with dark skin. My coworker is black, and was raised with a Mexican heritage. Everyone is different. I learned so much over one lunch break because I finally asked questions.

This week, before I learned about the shooting of Mr. Arbery, I was reviewing who the voices of the Corona virus are. The voices are predominately from white males. Why? Why are other voices not present? A year ago I might not have noticed, but I’ve been around new ideas and coworkers who are different from me. I’m understanding the value of more voices. They are missing in the pandemic world we are living in. They are also coming in with great contrast over the Asbery shooting story which has emerged. I am seeing posted statements about Asbery with prayers, judgements about the shooters and discussions about white privilege. I am sad it takes something so terrible to remind us “white girls” to talk about race and to remember there are other voices in our world.. How can we change that? How can we grow in knowledge about race in the predominately white community we live in?

“Jesus talked to His friends a lot about how we should identify ourselves. He said it wouldn’t be what we said we believed or all the good we hoped to do someday. Nope, He said we would identify ourselves simply by how we loved people. It’s tempting to think there is more to it, but there’s not. Love isn’t something we fall into; love is someone we become.” 

― Bob Goff, Everybody, Always: Becoming Love in a World Full of Setbacks and Difficult People

I believe loving someone means asking questions. It means leaning in and being willing to learn especially when it’s uncomfortable. To speak up when the comments and the irrational behavior are present.  I may be afraid of making a blunder again. I may not know what to say, but my silence, out of embarrassment, has become the same for me as saying the wrong thing. 

I was never able to fix my blunder in college. The professor didn’t make it through a second term. After that I was not in locations where I could learn or ask questions. Maybe it’s time to be in locations to learn. Maybe it’s time to forgive what someone has done to us to make us feel uncomfortable and put our privilege away so we can all work towards eliminating the stigmas of race. 

Food for thought, I hope, as I figure out what this means for me. I’m back in a white nurse world where I am not confronted with the discussion of race on a daily basis. No one is going to call me “the white girl” and it won’t remind me how uncomfortable I feel about the race discussion. I think it’s time to start looking for other opportunities to learn. What about you?

—ST

The Eagle Overhead

Day 108-

I’m learning to settle my heart, to do fewer things and to not set my sights on high achievement every day. I feel a little misplaced by the middle of the day. I want to run around to accomplish things or crawl into bed and do nothing. My routine is to meet with Jesus every morning, but sometimes I don’t slow my mind enough to pay attention. In the slowing down, I am more aware of my distraction.

I wonder what it was like for the people of Israel to leave Egypt and their slavery and to enter into the wilderness. I’m sure it was busy at first. Parents would be busy no matter what season they were in if they had little ones. I wonder what kind of busy encompassed their days. They found quail and manna in the morning. They still had a Sabbath as it is the God’s day. I wonder if they struggled with less to do while they were wondering in the wilderness.

Remembering God’s faithfulness has been more quick to come to my mind in this slowing down. There is more space in my schedule more than ever before. God is good to bring reminders of his goodness. He promises new mercies every morning and joy when I look to him. 

Just as I spoke about in my first video blog, the Israelite nation crossed the Jordan river on dry ground. Before the ark of the covenant (representing the presence of God) was removed from the river bed and the water flowed back, God instructed their leader, Joshua, to gather one stone for each of the tribes of Israel from the floor of the river. They set the stones up as a memorial of God’s goodness in bringing the people across dry ground. Joshua 4:1-9

The memorial was set-up immediately upon arrival to the promised land, but this was not the first time they were reminded of God’s faithfulness. Just before the end of Moses’ life and before they came to the Jordan river Moses gave a song to the people to remind them of their story with God. I think this song is timely for us too in this pandemic wilderness. Here is part of it from the Message:

Deuteronomy 32:10-13

He found them out in the wilderness, in an empty, windswept wasteland.

He threw he’s arms around him, lavished attention on him, 

guarding him as the apple of his eye.

He was like an eagle hovering over its nest, overshadowing its young.

Then spreading its wings, lifting them into the air, teaching them to fly.

God alone led him; there was not a foreign god in sight. 

My neighbor eagerly told me she saw an eagle recently in the midst of all this mess. While she stood 10 feet from me, just in case, she told me about her joy in seeing this bald eagle. She said it was in a nearby neighborhood. She had never seen one in town. She talked about its white head and wide wingspan. She spoke of its obvious strength.

I wondered if the eagle came out because we have fewer planes and fewer things going on. Then, it struck me. What if the eagle was always there, we just hadn’t taken the time to look up to see it. Just in the same way, I believe God is always there. He is already hovering over his nest, overshadowing us. I just have slowed enough to look up and see him there more often. I have taken the time to remember all the times he has lifted me up and taught me how to fly. No other gods—distractions in my sight.

It may feel like a wilderness, but God says he will lavish his attention on us in the midst of the barren place we might find ourselves. This is good news! It is worth remembering for years to come and to pass on to our children. We can get ready to set up a memorial to the Lord for his goodness as he bringing us out of this wilderness.

Praying for you today as you rest, or grieve, or find a new normal, or rejoice over the good in the midst of this season.

-ST

Good Friday

Day 100 – 

Tomorrow is Good Friday! I was thinking about this weekend’s holidays in terms of our quarantine situation. While Jesus was on earth there were crowds around him all the time. People were said to “push through the crowds” to get to Jesus. One person climbed a tree. Another group of guys shimmed their friend down through a roof to get to Jesus. What would I have done to get to Jesus when he was in my town? Would there be crowds even if we all had masks on?

The other day a friend texted me to ask if I was at the grocery store. “No,” I said, “Why?” She said she thought she saw a ponytail that looked like mine. It was a good laugh while thinking about how much our world has changed. So quickly we have gone to looking for ponytails of people we know instead of our faces.

There is a woman in the Bible (Luke 8) who had an issue with bleeding. She had spent 12 years being “unclean”. She not only had to quarantine because she was unclean, per the custom and rules of her day, but also because she could not touch anyone else. If she touched someone, they would also be unclean. The person she touched would have to be ceremoniously cleansed. In other words they would take the appropriate bath. She could bathe, but would remain “unclean” due to her illness. 

Social distancing has made me feel a little like this lately. My moments of anxiety over being separated from people has left me broken and tearful. I started videoing a friend today and burst into tears. I have done this stay at home thing as well as worked for a few weeks, not years. It has been challenging. I know I am not “unclean”, but I do feel like I am with this distance restriction between myself and friends.

The woman in our story heard Jesus was coming through her town. She covered herself up and hoped she wouldn’t be recognizable. She made her way through the crowd. No one parted 6 feet for her to pass by. Once she made her way to Jesus, she somehow knelt down and grabbed the tassel of his outer garment. Immediately she knew she was healed. 

There is so much symbolism in this story and I encourage you to learn about it. For today, here is the best part. Jesus felt the power go out from him and asked who had touched him. Our woman had began to sneak away. Her shame in being unclean and touching his robe, I would imagine, would be as great being out of her quarantined place. Unable to keep her presence a secret, the woman came forward to confess. Jesus, calling her “Daughter”, told her in front of the crowd that she was healed because of her faith. Jesus took away her shame as well as her illness. Jesus told her to go in peace.

Our perfect Jesus could have let her go unnoticed. The Bible says he came to earth to encounter those who were stuck in their ways of living, in their sin, in their pain, and in their illnesses. Jesus came to call us sons and daughters and to bring us out of our shadows and into His light. He came to give us life and life to the full. He is the Way, the Truth and the Life. (John 14:6)

This is my story. I once was lost and in the shadows. I once strove to earn a spot in Jesus’ love. I was broken and in need of healing. He called me “Daughter” and brought me from darkness into His light. He forgave my sins and made me a new creation. He was broken on a cross, dying for me, so I might have life in Him. As much as this “stay at home” has made me feel physically stuck, I am free and alive in Jesus because of his sacrifice for me. 

This is why we celebrate Jesus’ death on Good Friday and his resurrection on Easter Sunday. Let us celebrate both like never before during this unhurried season. Let us lay our worry, our emotions and our disappointments with our situations at the Lord’s feet. Let’s allow him to call us sons and daughters and worship with glad hearts over his sacrifice. May he encounter us with freedom and joy as we seek him! 

Happy Good Friday and Easter!

-ST

Walking on Dry Ground

Day 94 –

I thought I would figure out how to do a YouTube video. It’s my first one. It’s not perfect, but I hope you can hear my heart in it. We are going through a lot right now. Collectively and yes, with some united fronts, but we are also going through this differently, each one of us. I needed to be reminded of God’s faithfulness in my old mess while walking through this mess with old triggers popping up. Thank you for listening and I hope it blesses you today!

-ST

In This Together

Day 88 – 

It’s pretty ironic how my goal this year is to ruthlessly eliminate hurry from my life. By 11 a.m. this morning I had done so many things, yet felt unproductive. This is the battle I fight. I can clean the house for hours and still feel unproductive because it just gets dirty again. In CoVid-19 season I am being forced to figure out why my hurry. 

I am grateful to have a job. I know it will still be there tomorrow. While I am learning to be quiet, still and unhurried, I am keenly aware of all of you single parents attempting to work and to be at home with little ones, and the workers of deemed unessential jobs who are without a whole income or who have permanently lost your jobs because of CoVid-19. For this, I am so humbled and I am so sorry. The elimination of hurry probably means so much more right now. 

I may not being walking in your shoes in my own situation, but may I offer a little of God’s Word for us today? I know what it is to fear and to be anxious about the unknown. I have spent seasons of my life unsure where the next tank of gas, or even gallon, will come from. I have striven to make enough to pay my bills and to have enough left over to eat. I have had to trust God with my health and with the ability to get up each morning. I have gone through seasons of wanting life to end and looking for God to remember me.

God’s Word, I believe, is for the here and now. I am also aware that in moments of grief the phrase “God is not surprised by this” does not always help. So instead, let’s look at Exodus 14.

God has just called his people out of Egypt through the leadership of Moses. They had abundant gifts from their Egyptian neighbors and friends, good sandals on their feet, and provisions on their backs. They left Egypt with joy. They had barely travelled a day before they reached the Red Sea. They had witnessed miracles from heaven descend upon their freedom story.  Immediately and collectively, they found themselves in the first hardship of their new life.

The Israelites, having reached the Red Sea and being pursued by their old government and ruler, started questioning what God was thinking. They had left their homes and their comfort. It was easy when it was joyful and it was equally as easy to forget how captive they had been, even one day before. 

“As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up and saw them—Egyptians! Coming at them! They were totally afraid. They cried out in terror to God. They told Moses, ‘Weren’t the cemeteries large enough in Egypt so that you had to take us out here in the wilderness to die? What have you done to us, taking us out of Egypt? Back in Egypt didn’t we tell you this would happen? Didn’t we tell you, ‘Leave us alone here in Egypt—we’re better off as slaves in Egypt than as corpses in the wilderness.’ ” Exodus 14:10-12 (Message)

Put CoVid-19 in wherever you feel it applies for you. Put your job, your fears, or your bitterness towards whomever or whatever into the passage. “As illness approached, the people of God looked up and saw them—CoVid-19! Coming at them! They were totally afraid.”

“As the boss approached them, I looked and saw them—cut backs! Coming at me. I was totally afraid.”

“As the news approached them, I looked up and saw them —restrictions, orders, declarations! Coming at me. I was totally afraid.”

I get it. We all have fear about something. Being told what to do. Being ill. Loosing a loved one. Being isolated, depressed, or cut off. I can’t make it one full day at home without wanting to loose my mind. God is not afraid of our fear. God is not afraid of my instability of mind. I am not too much for him. You are not too much for him.

“Moses answered the people. ‘Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.’ ” Exodus 14:13-14 (NIV)

God showed up for the Israelites. He brought them up out of captivity. He brought them into freedom for his glory. Being free to enjoy God did not mean being free from hard things. God showed them this after just one day. God does not always give us rest before taking us to the next giant. 

Because of who God is, look at what he does say. “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and see the deliverance of the Lord. The Lord will fight for you, just be still.” Exodus 14:14 (my paraphrase)

Again, put your fears in place of the word “Egyptians”. For me, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The isolation, restrictions, loneliness and uncertainty you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you, you only need to be still.” 

When I started writing this blog today I was on my front porch in the sun, escaping my children.  l had to find some stillness so I could relinquish my fears to the God who fights for us. In your stillness, your fears and your elimination of hurry, how can God fight for you? What do you need to ask for? Yes, someone may seem to have it worse than you do in this, but I believe God is for each one of us.. What do you need today? What do you long for today? Ask God to fight for you in those needs and desires.

The Israelites were in it together. They all experienced freedom. They all left with joy. They all needed protection immediately. They all had fear. They all had to be still so they could see the deliverance of the Lord. As we are socially distanced from each other, let’s keep remembering we don’t have to do this alone. We can all ask God to fight for us. We can all learn to be still together, even at a distance. How can you ask your community to stand with you? How can you be there to stand for those in your community? 

May you find blessing in your community and in our God this week. May we be in this stillness together!

—ST

Eating More while Stuck at Home?

Day 81—

We are getting real today! Let’s talk about eating and being at home. 

I know I can be an emotional eater and I know I have food at home for the quarantine period of this season. I also know when my children leave snacks uneaten, I don’t want to waste them. It would be so easy to eat what they eat and then grab a few more of whatever to make it worth my time.

What about you? Do you need to remember to eat when you have a lot going on? Do you eat more or less when you are stuck at home? If we aren’t sick, loosing weight isn’t going to be a thing. Because we are going to be more sedentary while we are at home (unless you have a two-year-old and you have done a good job of keeping devices away from them), are we able to maintain our activity goals?

My neighbor adheres to the step goals recommended for her age. Year round we can often find her walking her dogs late into the evening just to complete her steps. Now, because she won’t go out front, we will begin to see her doing laps in her backyard. She is dedicated. I want to be that dedicated right now.

It would be easier to Netflix binge and check out the latest memes or blogs all day long, but instead, I want to help us decrease our anxiety. Here are a few ideas:

Meal Plan: I have enough food, but I don’t want to my family to get bored. What can I make that is healthy and as fresh as possible for my family? I plan the whole week.

Workout: I follow a great workout/eating program. There are many gym or studios moving their programs to home workouts. Find one or more which can work for you! I am waiting for my weights to arrive, but in the meantime, a full Tide jug works as a Kettlebell or dumbbell. Involve your kids. My girls hung in there for the first 10 minutes of a Barre class the other day. (Mine: Faster Way to Fat Loss)

Rest: No one cares if you do your hair today. Side note: some people might care if you shower. Let yourself sleep in just a little bit more. Use the commute time you normally have to sleep in or go to bed early. Read a book instead of watching whatever. Giggle, laugh, open a window and breath in fresh air. 

Be grateful: We have some amazing people in our lives who are changing history. I have some incredible girlfriends who are running franchises, a city, and classrooms from a distance. I have friends who are working like crazy to take care of other people’s loved ones. Let’s be grateful. Let’s be thankful for what we are doing and that we are able to do it. Let’s be grateful for the rest, or health, or internet connection to stay connected. Wherever you are, be thankful.

So, back to eating. What we put in our mouths today can either help or hinder us for tomorrow! Let’s make the choice today to plan ahead, choose to recognized the emotions we are feeling and choose carefully why we eat, what we eat, and when we eat it. I’m talking to myself here! Give grace where it’s needed and then hold yourself steady for the next meal, the next snack, etc. 

Tip: Drink a whole glass of water before drinking coffee every morning. 

So grateful for you!

—ST

Virus or What?

Day 74 – 

I have been processing and praying about how to write about the Covid-19. Let’s face it. It seems to be infiltrating every conversation and action in our communities and in our churches. When it comes to anxiety in the midst of a crisis (emotional and spiritual) I get on my knees and I work every angle to be released from the anxious thoughts. When it comes to a health crisis, my heart and my mind go quiet and my nursing training/experience takes over. I am always ready to be a nurse those who are sick, to grieve with those who have lost and to encourage those who are afraid.

As a Jesus follower, should my response be any different than my nurse response? My peace can be greater in my knowledge of our God than in my knowledge in the medical things. My understanding of God in the midst of crisis has been increased from my nursing experience. My perspective comes from hours of processing His goodness, His sovereignty and His faithfulness as I have cared for hundreds of people in the middle of health scares, illnesses, viruses and unforeseen accidents. 

So what truths have I learned? Here are some of the ones I am focused on this time around.

From Numbers 21, Psalm 24 and 146:

  • He hears our grumbling — (My perspective on the story) The people of Israel grumbled against God and Moses, saying, “Why have you taken us out of our captivity where we feasted and brought us into the wilderness (freedom) and given us no bread, no water and hatred for what has been provided?” Because of their grumbling God brought snakes to redirect the people. 
  • He hears our repentance — The people went to Moses, confessing their sin. They requested he pray to God for relief from the snakes. Moses prayed for the people.
  • He lifts up our heads  — God commanded a bronze snake be made and placed on a pole, that anyone who had been bitten could look up, see the snake and be healed. (FYI-this is where we get the medical symbol – snakes on a pole)
    • “Lift up your heads, you gates; be lifted up, you ancient doors, that the King of glory may come in. Who is this King of glory? The Lord strong and mighty, the Lord mighty in battle.” Psalm 24:7-8
  • He can be sought  — “Who may ascend the mountain of the Lord? Who may stand in his holy place? The one who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not trust in an idol or swear by a false god. They will receive blessing from the Lord and vindication from God their Savior. Such is the generation of those who seek him, who see your face, God of Jacob.” Psalm 24:3-6
  • He is the One to worship — “All my life long I’ll praise God” Psalms 146:2
  • He provides —  “God made sky and soil, sea and all the fish in it. He always does what he says—he defends the wronged, he feeds the hungry. God frees prisoners—he gives sight to the blind, he lifts up the fallen.” Psalms 146:6-8
  • He is in control: “God’s in charge—always. Zions’ God is God for good!” Psalms 146:10

There are so many more promises God gives us in his Word in hopes we cling to him for our peace. I don’t have the answers as to why a virus has been running rampage on our world, but I do believe in God. Let us confuse our sins, our pride and our fear to the God who hears. Let us look to him, the Lifter of our heads, and worship him. He is worthy, he provides and he is in control. 

God also gave the world nurses. Wash your hands, don’t touch your face, stay home if you are sick and be gracious to the world around you. Even if you have peace in the midst of the storm, your friend, neighbor or spouse may still be learning these things. 

May your faces be lifted up and your hands clean!

-ST

Unstuck

Day 72-

I have not known myself to rush into significant life change. I do not jump head long into it. I weigh my options, verbally process and talk myself into it. The one thing I do know is that I hate being stuck. I will fight to be unstuck every time. Sometimes I think when God wants to move me forward, and I won’t go, he allows me to feel stuck just to light a fire under my bottom.

At the end of this past year I finally realized how stuck I felt after a year of balancing my career, my business, my spiritual life, my marriage and most of all, my mothering with too few hours in the day. I would get home from work exhausted, not enjoying my job, but trusting in the financial security it created. My girls began to be surprised when I was home. I realized I want to be missed, and not expected to be gone.

Around the same time at my super club we talked about what we would give up now for what we want later. It’s a hard concept sometimes. Do we stay at a job we don’t want to be at just for the job benefits? Do we trust God with what seems so huge when really it’s only pennies to him? I had to really evaluate what I was willing to give up to slow down and to learn to drastically eliminate hurry from my life. If anything, I wanted to eliminate hurry so I can be present with my girls.

So here I am, months later, transitioning from one workplace to another one. It has not been a quick process. On one hand, I’m excited and eager to move into a new role, a new company, and a new life routine with fewer hours away from my girls. On the other hand, I need to process where I’m coming from. I have spent over a decade doing everything I can to help change culture and promote change in sticky situations. Change takes time in any organization. Time is all I had, until I felt stuck.

Once we decide to change, I think we can look back on what was and the time we spent, giving what feels like our entire wellbeing, and wonder if it was worth it. Was it the right thing? Yes. I believe with confidence I can say yes. I say this with certainty because the energy I spent and the timespan I took in that place, in those projects and in those relationships, brought me to where I am now. I would not have been ready or equip for what is next. I also had to choose to get uncomfortable in order to move forward. I had to head in the direction of peace or it isn’t the right direction. It doesn’t mean what is behind me was wrong. It means it’s just not for me now. 

This transition is occasionally overwhelming and scary. I have been loosing sleep and I have had moments of anxiety pop-up when I least expect them. I am still yelling more than I want to at my girls when I am tired. I want to blame everything at my old job. I am aware of all these emotions. They make me tired. Today, with Jesus time, worship and refocusing on where I’m headed, I can keep moving forward.

At the end of the day, I know this transition isn’t there to make me perfect in my mothering or that life will be less stressful. I’m still me. I will have new challenges of being home more and keeping my focus on the next right thing. I know I will wrestle with busyness. I’m wired to be productive so finding a balance will be ongoing. I will also encounter new opportunities for refinement at the new job. I am, however, eager to see how I grow in this new routine.

I will keep you posted! 

Intervention: Let go of one thing on my to-do list every day and spend the time playing a game with my girls. 

Date with Cam!

-ST