She was melting at the table, forecasting her own demise. “I’m terrible at this and I’ll always be terrible at this,” she yelled over her homework, her little 7-year-old body sinking into a puddle of despair.
We have all been there. Something is just a bit too difficult and we determine our outcome based on the words we speak over it or ourselves. I can’t. I won’t. No one will ever… We may even expect someone else to solve our problems, the ones we aren’t good at. But, no one else is going to take your spelling test for you. We have to get back on the horse and try again.
What happens when the puddle of self pity turns into, “I might not even try, because I’ll never get it right”. Been there? For sure we have, because trying again and again is exhausting.
I grew up in an environment of few academic tests and no need to take them. In high school I started taking tests for the class I voluntarily attended and did fine. I studies for PSAT, SAT and ACT and they went terribly. I also learned I had test anxiety. My reading comprehension wasn’t great, thus my test-taking was subpar.
I took a gap year, went to language school for a semester in Spain and gained enough confidence to retake the ACT subject tests and score high enough for college entrance since Spanish was fresh on my mind. College started and my test anxiety found a permanent home for all 5 years of studies. I would study for tests for days while my classmates crammed for a night. I would get Cs while they set the curve.
Dressing to impress, proper sleep and a positive mindset became my test strategies. All lovely things, however, sitting down to read the test questions would send me right into overthinking every question. Managing my grades through school on papers and participation, I found myself at a whole new level entering nursing school. We weren’t just preparing for tests, we were preparing for our nursing board exam.
During a pre-boards assessment my last year, I scored “unlikely to pass”. I was instructed to turn in test questions every week to show my preparation and determination. The truth is, I was determined. I studies more than other classmates. I wanted it more than anything, I just didn’t have the skills to get there.
I graduated with a 3.8 GPA, however, I knew that positive thinking and my dress to impress motto wouldn’t be enough for my board exam 12 days after graduation. I arranged for a nursing boards preparatory class to happen for our region the week after graduating. It was a four day class, and I would spend the final 6 days for the test living and breathing test preparations. My first nursing job started in 16 days after graduation and I had no other options.
The preparatory class changed everything. I learned how to read a test question, determine the root of the question and began answers questions correctly and confidently. What a game changer. I no longer needed the right motto. I had the right skill to accomplish the task. I still had an overarching test anxiety the morning of my boards, but I also had the skill to calm down and work through the test questions.
A classmate clicked away at the cubical next to me in a hurried manner and was done by the time I had really settled in to focus. I took a few breaths and continued. Her success was great for her. My success would be great for me. The test could be a minimum of 75 questions with a maximum over 200 questions depending on how you are doing – passing or failing. I completed 75 questions before the computer ended the exam. Of course my heart sank immediately after thinking I failed epically, but I learned two days later I crushed it.
My heart had been trying to determine my test-taking abilities for years. My heart wasn’t ever going to be right enough to teach me test strategy, but it did kill my joy and determination in the midst of years of terrible test taking experiences. I needed skill, not better self-talk. I needed confidence in my ability, not just positive thinking.
My little love, melting in her tears, sat up when I told her I wasn’t good at spelling either and asked why she gets so mad. She opened up her beautiful eyes through her massive amounts of hair in her wet face and said, “Sometimes my heart just gets to mad”. I got down in front of her and said, “Sometimes our hearts don’t tell us the truth about ourselves. Sometimes we need to protect our hearts from believing that we will never be good at something. We have to tell our hearts we can be good at something and go figure out how to do it.”
Sweet girl, she worked so hard on her spelling test and still epically failed it. When I eagerly looked to see how she did, she apologized. “Oh my sweet love, it’ll come. You don’t need to apologize. We just have to find the right tools to help you get there and keep our hearts safe from thinking we won’t.”
What do you need to guard your heart from while you find the tools needed to overcome your challenges? Do you need to learn to look at a problem differently? Are you melting into self-doubt instead of finding the tools to move forward?
I still go into tests with preparation and positive self-talk, but the skills I have learned get me across the finish line. I encourage you to find those tools you need to see yourself across your finish line. It’s worth it. Guard your heart in the process and see what the impact it has on your outcome!
You’ve go this!
-ST
Stephanie Trowbridge 
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