The dog went for a run today. I took her for a run yesterday morning and today when I put on my shoes to run Maggie to school she started prancing around, expectant. I told her “not today” so she took it upon herself, with the help of an open garage door, to go for a run. She loves to run, as long as she isn’t on a leash.
My patience was already short so when a beautiful 4-year-old told me in not so few words that the dog got out, I was not a happy mama. I told Matt after the whole ordeal was done that I’m flexible, just not this flexible.
Flexible. It’s a word I hear a lot lately. It’s one I expect of myself and it’s one I take pride in owning. But, really, I’m not THAT flexible. I have boxes that I fit into and within those boxes I am all willing and able to be flexible. I have been reading several books (ok, listening to thanks to Audible) that have been addressing slowing down and learning the right “yes”, the best “yes”. The expectations and the desires I have long held myself to have exhausted me.
As I have enjoyed being taught by these amazing authors I have learned a few things about myself. In the name of doing what is “right” and “the will of God” I have been anxious since I was little over decisions, actions, words and the need to say “no”. Flexible, yes, in the name of being loving and “what would they think of me” if I didn’t show up has been my pattern. And that’s another thing. Showing up. I fear not showing up. What if I’m supposed to be there? What if I’m needed? What if it was God’s will for me? What if, what if, what if…
Needless to say, I am not new to this struggle. I am well aware of it now and have been working for the last few months to be alert to it. And I believe it boils down to the concept of being worthy. Worthiness, it is a difficult subject for me. A subject I have been processing for months. Thinking back over my childhood and adolescence worthiness was a big player. I did A,B and C to feel worthy. As an adult I added D,E and F. Even after choosing to believe God at his Word and believe what he says about me, worthiness still feels like quick sand. I might be swallowed up if I give in and believe that I am worthy of belonging and of his love.
And so I go to the Word. Matthew 10:29-31. Jesus has commissioned his Twelve to go into the land, heal the sick and drive out eval spirits. He gave instructions, empowering them to do his will and to not be afraid to stand up to the world. In the middle of his talk he places this sweetness.
Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Are we not worth more than sparrows? Yes. Yes, we are. But my heart claims that it can’t be true. Out of fear I run towards the A,B and C things of life to find worthiness. And so Paul writes to the Romans and to the Gentiles, whose who were not original “people of God, the Israelites, the chosen people” in Romans 8:15-16.
For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.
It goes on but for today, we’ll stop there. So if I(you) believe the Word of God, I (you) can rest in the daughter-ship of the Father, leave A,B and C to themselves and just be present. Flexible or not, showing up or not, the what ifs and anxiety can all be quieted as I sit at the Lord’s feet, working out my faith, especially in this area.
So, today, I’ll choose to work out my faith. I can just be present and worthy in the midst of my crazy morning. The dog ran to the elementary school near our home, chased some geese and entertained the kids. Maggie made it to school where I apologized for my frustration towards her. She was late, again, but, oh well. Camryn enjoyed hanging out with me as I wrote this post until a blow-out distracted me. And, the A,B and C that were supposed to happen today and didn’t will just have to wait for another day.
For more information check out these books:
Present over Perfect: Leaving Behind Frantic for a Simple, more Soulful Way of Living by Shauna Niequist
The Best Yes: Making Wise Decisions in the Midst of Endless Demands by Lysa Terkeurst