Day 251 –
Shouldn’t the pandemic be over yet? I forgot to write. It hasn’t been because I have gone without anxiety during the past few months of this pandemic. I wish this had been the case, but no. Instead, I have been busy moving forward despite my anxiety in hopes this pandemic would just seem to go away.
After learning to sit still on my porch swing and process new things, I got up and started attempting to fix somethings. First, I wrote the governor an email. I had never done that before. I decided just talking about problems doesn’t create solutions. I didn’t hear back from the governor’s office. I didn’t need to. I was content knowing I did something.
Next, I spoke up to our school board, then joined the school board. Although being on a board was a bucket list item, I hadn’t planned on joining one in this season. I did though, so anxiety has a new name and a new object for it’s time.
Following this, I’be been forcing myself to hold financial needs more loosely since, like most of us during this, life hasn’t looked the same. In the past I have been anxious even when the money has been there and when it hasn’t. I need to daily let it go. I tried gripping it again today. My heart rate was up and my mood was down. The book I am listening to, “The Me I Want to Be”, John Ortberg writes to take a concrete item which represents our worry (like a bill), and pray over it. I did this today. I prayed over a bill and moved on.
Social and racial justice have been constantly on my mind for the past months. I have felt inadequate to blog because I have little perspective on the big issues at hand. I like to be knowledgeable and these important topics have definitely brought me down a few notches, which I am so grateful for. I have consumed more books in the past bit than I did in the few years before. This is a season for listening, not speaking. My anxiety, although important to work on, pales in comparison to the deep-seated issues in need of reconciliation. I am humbled and grieved and grateful all at the same time. These feelings are still being processed.
Just when I thought I was getting ahead of my anxiety today, I got word tonight my girls and in-laws were in a car accident. They are all fine. My youngest slept right on through it all. But, once I knew they were okay, my stress was over the fact that I wasn’t there. I was working and was miles away. I had no control. It is hard to be out-of-control. Maybe, this is where my anxiety stems from — the need for control. I am sure this is the place of anxiety for most of us, but it was quite evident in the moment. I felt it sweep over me. I paused and I prayed. I offered up my need for control. I felt peace. I will be ready to repeat the steps with the cycle of anxiety begins again.
As this storm continues and we feel often out of control, let’s remember to reset, to remind ourselves this is just a season and to strive for something new (whether in our minds or our actions). Keep moving forward, even when it seems like this pandemic will never end.