Unraveling

Day 7 –

I am terrible at waiting. Seriously. It’s not the grocery store-long line waiting. It’s the “I have little control over something and I have to wait for someone else to follow through” kind of waiting. A college course in “Relinquishing Control 101” is a definite requirement.

There was a situation on Saturday, Day 4 of my anxiety/honesty blog, I began to unravel over having to wait. I have no control over this particular situation. And it’s Saturday. And it’s someone else’s job to fix it, to find it or to respond to it. I went from fine to my heart rate increases, my Apple Watch reminds me to breath and my movements become frantic within a minute. No one needs to see me panic so I do this as quietly as I can. Five minutes later I find out what I was waiting for had happened but I didn’t see the response. It was in a different email folder. Heaven, come closer. I’m a mess.

Since I am keenly aware I am reporting my anxiousness on my blog, I must be truthful. This was just one example of the several cluttered moments which can set-off my anxiety. After this issue was resolved for the moment, I moved on my business ToDo list. My head became busy processing and reviewing everything I needed to do. I haven’t decided if it will help to write down everything I need to do or not. The jury is still out on that one. Having lists in the past has made me stressed. On the other hand I can become overwhelmed when I start a project and then remember I have five other things I was hoping to get done.

My normal around my ToDo list.

The thing is, it always gets done. Just like being pregnant, it comes to an end eventually. You can’t keep the baby inside forever. The list to todos, which seem urgent in the moment, won’t be there forever. It will all get done or it wasn’t important in the first place.

The funny thing is, when I am in a my professions settings, I’m not like this. I’m not anxious, I’m not overwhelmed. I have learned the art of focusing on what’s important and letting the rest fall by the way side. I can pick up the pieces later, but the main thing gets my attention. It’s just at home. Hummmm, food for thought. I will need to processes this one.

“Somebody said a long time again if the Devil can’t make you sin, he will make you busy, because either way your soul will shrivel” said John Ortberg, Soul Keeping: Caring for the Most Important Part of You. 

Goodness, but this is true for me. “Busy” tends to distract me from keeping my soul centered and in the practice of decluttering my life and releases me to panic over a long list or an uncontrolled experience. John Ortberg poses the question in the same book as above, “If we cease to be busy, do we matter?” I don’t really want to answer that one out loud. 

I know the answer, but being “busy” is often my go-to. Sadly, this is what I’m often known for. Busy isn’t necessarily bad until it wastes our precious time and we are distracted from the experience of an unhurried life. A life in which we will learn “the unforced rhythms of grace” as Jesus says in Matthew 11:29 (MSG). 

The first step to growth is awareness and I can say with confidence, I am aware of my tendency to have my soul and my life cluttered. Good stuff, or not so good, easily takes over. I am starting to see my need and Lord, teach me what the “unforced rhythms of grace” truly are. 

Hurry Reduction: be keenly aware when my anxiousness comes from busyness.   

-ST

Published by Stephanie Trowbridge

Follower of Jesus. Artist. Wife. Mother.

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