The sky is cloudy and so is my mood. Job searching, my oldest daughter recovering from an illness and things still to do on my to-do list occupy my mind. My work-out this morning was tough. I thought I was going to pass out. It has all collided on this Monday morning.
My anxious thoughts were relentless for me this weekend. This leaves me more tired than I hoped. I know I am writing about my anxiety, but I am still embarrassed to admit it. I declare my undying trust in my God and Savior in one minute and run away from hard things the next.
The truth is that money is the main source of my anxiety. We are so blessed and we live in a home which is secure. There is food in our cupboards. I do not stress over how I will get a paycheck and I am typing this in my safe place, a coffee shop with a mermaid on the cup. I know how I will buy my gas to take me to my job and activities. I am looking for a job in my profession which has options. I can choose to be picky in what I do with my life. I can read the application and I can write my cover letter with ease.
So what part of all of this brings my heart rate up and my mind spinning. I have concluded I have spent more time worrying about my finances than trusting God with them. When the money gets low in the bank account I search for ways to fix it. “I” am the problem. God has yet to let me fall so far in the mud I get stuck. I claim I trust God and then run to my own abilities when my going gets tough.
In college I left home with a few thousand dollars saved for my freshman year. Other than books everything was on my own. My first task before unpacking was to find a job. I had one by the end of the first day. The following summer I went on Project with Campus Crusade for Christ, aka CRU. I needed a job. The first full day I went out and found a job within walking distance of our lodging. It was a terrible job, but it was a job.
After I graduated from nursing school I passed my boards as quickly as possible so I could work as a camp nurse until my real job started. Since then I have only gone five days without a job. I had to move from one state to another state, so yes, I had to have a few days off. After ten years in the ICU I finished at 1 a.m. on a Saturday and started my next job on Monday at 7:30 a.m.
Talk about always having a job. So my fear of not being provided for just seems odd. Or does it? When I was younger and took some risks to go to college I felt as if I had to prove I had heard God’s voice in regards to school. If I failed to provide for myself I thought I would make God look bad. I thought I would have failed as a follower of Jesus.
I need a breakthrough to loosen the fears I have around money. I am fully aware of God’s provision and his love for me even if and when the bills are outstanding. I am fully aware I am not alone in providing for my family as my husband is working hard too. Being good stewards of our money isn’t about doing our own thing to show God we have it together. Over the years I have built poor habits of trust in this area.
As embarrassed as I may be, I write these words knowing you might be in the same boat. For the disciples of Jesus many of them were fishermen. They knew how to navigate the sea and the wind. Yet, they were still afraid. They were the best men for the job when the storm came. Jesus was asleep under the deck after a long day of ministry. The men, fearing for their lives even when they knew what they were doing, woke him up. “Jesus, don’t you care?” (Matthew 8)
I find myself asking this question, too. Jesus is in my boat. He has provided everything, but when the bank account gets low I find myself thinking he doesn’t always care. “Jesus, forgive me for my pride.” Jesus absolutely cares, but he cares that my trust is in him to protect and provide for us rather than for me to combat the wind on my own.
Intervention: Practice going to Jesus first before our balance sheet. Go to Jesus for provision before I let my mind run away with fear.