I was anxious when I woke up yesterday. I can’t pinpoint the reason why exactly. Fit filled dreams and a momentary panic over thinking I was supposed to be at work might have been the cause. As I attempted to calm myself down I started pondering the current state of our world. It might not have been the best idea. I moved on to review my plan for the day and glanced at the clock. Maybe my girls would sleep a little longer.
My porch swing has become my morning mission. Breakfast for the girls, coffee for me and the app which contains my Bible in a year plan are all prepared before I head to my sacred location. Yesterday, my Bible app lead me through the some of Chronicles and a few verses in the book of John. I breathed deeply as I settled into my swing. John lamented over Jesus’ grief for his friend, Martha and Mary, over the death of their brother. John spoke of Jesus weeping. I journaled and prayed. Does Jesus still wept for the sadness we are going thru as a community, and as a world?
I am a thinker. I wonder if those close to me call me an over-thinker? I’m not sure. It doesn’t matter, I can’t help myself. I have always been a thinker. I really do enjoy processing the significance of moments before they pass too quickly. How do we tackle things when they seem too big to handle? How do we respond with the right words and the right hopes for the future?
My little one comes sauntering to the swing at some point and interrupts my stream of thought. Her eyes twinkle with some sort of mischief. She holds up a little toy and declares “Look what I found!” My simple response of “Great” seems to be enough and she runs off to play with or bother her sister who is not a morning person.
My porch swing is a safe place to think. My anxiety I felt during my first moments of consciousness seem to have subsided. Or maybe they have just been pushed away with a moment of stillness, of Jesus and of thoughts over my morning agenda. It is time to get the girls going, lunches made for our adventure and my unwilling hair tamed. Quarantine hasn’t been good to my hair apparently, but I will have to deal with this anxiety later. I am sad to leave my swing and promise to return as soon as possible.
Even in this season of slowing down, and being at home, it seems stillness doesn’t just come. I must continue to be intentional. My habit is to increase my busyness when I feel anxious. I accelerate instead of contemplate. I make a to-do list in my mind instead of finding my head in it all. To be still, for me, means enjoying the trees and the light in my backyard. It means texting a friend and finding gratitude in hopes of moving my focus off myself. It means reading and learning about the things I’m contemplating. It means snuggling with my girlies and telling them how much I love them. It all must be intentional.
I think Jesus created me to be a thinker. Perhaps this means, if my mind isn’t right, I am more likely to experience anxiety. If so, I have the opportunity to learn how to manage my mind in a way which allows me joy instead of anxiety. I am also a dreamer. There is a better world which can be achieved. There are better ways which are still yet to be created. There are more causes to fight and more porch swings to sit on while pondering this life. These are all good things. I am compelled to keep thinking, processing and pointing my mind to the Creator to find intentional joy and stillness.
I am praying you find some stillness and joy in your own space this weekend.